Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
it be like that
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts