doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha