*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
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If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.