You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
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[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Who called it baking and not making love
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.