25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
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Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.