Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break