If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
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If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ