Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
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At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]