The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.