*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
You Might Also Like
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*