[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.