Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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WHY?!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”