You Might Also Like
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet