If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.