There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Air conditioning – not a fan
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.