My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
If you need a laugh.. 😅
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
get you a girl who
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.