Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
become ungovernable
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.