Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
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neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Great Canadian literature.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.