I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’M CRYINGGG
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.