If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars