[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
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3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Hitlers gonna hitl
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”