Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*