ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
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me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂