*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
IT’S-A ME,
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.