What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
You Might Also Like
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.