Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
🖤✌🏽
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon