Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks