hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.