[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
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Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!