Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
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Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
who wore it better?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
🚲+physics = winner
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Happy Star Wars day!
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…