Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Meat Cute
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
the last thing a carrot sees
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
When they try to steal your moment.