*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
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wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Um … Hot Wings please
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!