Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
You Might Also Like
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
A roof is a house hat.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Just as the prophecy foretold
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
love pickles so much i put myself in one