My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird