Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
mariah carrie
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
The booster protects against what, now?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.