Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
SPLOOT
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.