Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A