“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Finally, a door that understands me
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.