Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”