*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.