wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.