Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
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[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
starting a garage orchestra
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here