Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My birth announcement for our third baby
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏