I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
my nickname in college
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped