Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
You Might Also Like
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Self-cleaning conscience
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
oh you wanna fight?!