inside you are two wolves
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.