Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
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Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered