There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
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ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Story of my life…..
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Venn
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*