[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically