me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.